Here is a list of a few things I have said to actual humans recently:
At a soap store: “Would you like to pick one of those up today?” Me: “I don’t think so, it makes me think of boogers.”
” I just accidentally gave myself a super wedgie.” *said to a new acquaintance*
*to cashier at grocery store* “do you ever judge your customers for their purchases?”
“This place smells like armpits,… old person armpits.”
*to waitress* “did you know your seats make rude sounds? *wiggles bottom around vigorously to demonstrate.*
“this song makes me want to stab myself in the ear.”
re: kombucha “what does it taste like?” Me: “like death and vinegar …. but it is good for you…”
“My name is Sam,…. Starbucks Sam.”
Salesperson at clothing retailer “what do you think of this color?” Me: “I think it is a cross between vomit and baby poo so I guess I will pass, thanks.”
“Do I have something in my teeth? *smiles a toothy grin at a stranger*
“So, I just discovered that I put my underwear on backwards… again…”
*shoe squeak* “You have got to hear this!” *sachets across the floor*
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