Not a day goes by when I don’t discover some unknown bruise on my body. I may run into a thing or two, or be clambered on by thing 1 and 2 (the toddlers) &/or beast 1 and 2 (the bernards.)
I also have some unseen booboos. These wounds typically manifest in the wee hours of the night when it is quiet. Yes, believe it or not… there is quiet… and there is alone time with my own thoughts. Every mistake I have ever made, every misspoken word, embarrassing moment, perceived failure, broken relationship comes back and torments me and tries to rob me of peace.
Wouldn’t it be astounding if I could write here and now, in this moment… that I have figured out how to deal? Moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day… I sometimes am victorious in taking those thoughts and practicing grace and forgiveness for myself. Other times, not so much. There have been more of the latter lately.
During covid physical distancing and isolation, I have found that those thoughts have been coming back on repeat,.. day after day. And have been left me feeling raw, worn out, and alone.
There is hope though… because I believe in Truth. And that Truth, which I choose to dive into day after day comes to me in the form of spending time with the Healer Immanuel and immersing myself in music that washes over me with waves of peace so that today… today can be just a bit better than yesterday.
This song is one that I sing day after day. It is my truth.
p.s. I didn’t want to write this. It isn’t funny. It isn’t light. But it is honest and sometimes that is enough.
I think sometimes I try to make life feel too safe, too predictable. Control freak anyone??
Let’s say for example I was a young Saint Bernard … and let’s imagine for a second that there was a flock of geese… and a body of water…. and a fun friend to accompany me… I didn’t know I was designed to swim until I dove in and just did it. Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Some things are just plain worth the risk. Knowing people… worth the risk. Trying something new … worth the risk. Being myself… worth the risk.
So get out there people! Get out there like your flock of geese is just waiting for you!
P.S. today’s post is brought to you courtesy of disgustingly smelly community retention ponds, geese, the number 4 and the letter f … just because.
I almost bit the dust again today. Bit the dust with baby in stroller in tow. Not good.
I was going to write about this the other day when my social butterfly Iris Bernard (not so saintlike) Campbell decided she wanted to say ‘hello’ to a neighborhood pekingese. That day, I was ready for it. I had a strategy and I had my feet firmly planted so that I could be the one to come out victorious.
Today, not so much. Iris won.
Planted. I want to believe with every ounce of my being that when I am planted (aka deeply rooted) I win. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. ‘Nuff said.
I believe I can extrapolate enough evidence to prove definitively that… I. AM. NOT. IN. CHARGE. Case in point, Iris Bernard Campbell decided to chase a squirrel on today’s walk…. I almost bit it. (no, I did not eat squirrel… although I hear it tastes like chicken….)
I don’t have control over a lot of things, but I do have control over my thoughts. I wage battle daily against the trap of despair, defeat, and comparison. Who’s walking who?
Today, I am firmly grounded in truth. Tomorrow, I will wage war again.
Today’s blog is brought to you courtesy of goose poop. (yes… I planned my blog on today’s morning walk… ) Canada Geese and goose poop are part of my daily norm.
I need to reference Crystal Thompson again @flourishintoyou -www.flourishintoyou.com as her wisdom seems to be a common thread underlying my bursts of inspiration. Her and Matthew McConaughey. I listened to the speech below this morning on ‘happiness.’ Take a listen and then think about your next right step in your daily battle.
I am posting this blog on the way to a local park to try out our new (to us) child carrier on an easy hike.
I should probably mention that I get motion sickness. I made the 10-10-10 commitment so I guess bring on the nausea induced burps!
An important part of my life is getting outside and moving my body in some capacity. As my particular depression was onset by an extended time of stress in my life, I go to great lengths to keep my stress levels under wraps. This means that I do not choose to punish my body through exercise but rather choose daily to engage in anything and everything that brings me back to the bliss of childhood. Swing sets, slides, swimming pools, splash pads, games of chase, and dancing are among the many activities I do. Today we add hiking back into the mix.
Wish me luck as I strap on a 30 lb wiggly toddler to my back and wage war against any insects that come my way.
I think people worry about me when I am silent on social media. Being transparent about an illness such as depression means that seemingly every action or lack of action is scrutinized.
Can I just put everyone (or no one) at ease to let you know that I am ok? I mostly write in my brain these days because I am proud mama to a very busy (and very fast) toddler. In my quiet moments… and those are few…. I konk out.
Other than daily trying to outsmart a toddler (ie get ahead of the chaos) my creativity outlet has just had to wait. I don’t anticipate that little mister is going to get any less active so I am going to be pro-active.
I am practicing a 10-10-10 method. Today at 10 (well actually 10:30 I set my timer to just mind dump… publicly ….. eeeeep!!!!!!!) What I put out will be far from perfect. But it will be real. This is my way of retraining myself to pursue authenticity over perfection.
During this time: my computer has been shut off by little man who was telling me “all done, all done.”
little man has sprayed himself in the face with the water hose (we are outside btw)
little man has dipped the doggie pooper scooper in the pool
little man has run off with my phone and had a very animated conversation
Iris ( the fur baby) has chased a bunny and nearly bowled over the wee lad
little man has climbed on top of the hot tub
Worth it? We shall see! See you at 10 tomorrow … and the next day… and the next….
“OH NO!!! Oh MY!! ” If there is an elephant in a story, 97% of the time baby McCutie pants will say this.
I have drafted and re-drafted how to address the elephant in the room…
“OH NO! OH MY!!”
Depression.
What started off as me writing from a place of vulnerability has become a thing of levity. Please don’t let my experience with depression diminish yours. Just know that in my own special way, I am trying to say “you are not alone.” (**HUGS**)
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