An anniversary date is coming up this week. A baby girl I had the privilege of being Mommy to from birth to 14 months old left this world way too soon.
In therapy (this is a much needed resource to help me through) it was suggested I take time to honour her daily. Please indulge me. I never want to forget the beauty of my sweet girl.
I GET to remember her. What a privilege. What a joy to have been her mommy. To know she knew love at such an important time in her life. To know she felt safe and nurtured for the majority of her life. To know she is safe and happy now in her heavenly home … this I take solace in. She is not hungry or scared. She knows no pain and has complete peace.
Thank you sweet girl for the time we had. You are engraved in my heart forever. Until we meet again. That reunion will be oh so sweet.
We have been trudging through the muck that is the reality of living in a pandemic. As if life in general can’t be a challenge, quarantine is the worst. I have been contemplating a ‘jail break’ since last Friday.
6/8 of our family got covid this month. 1/8 was a scary case. 4/8 of us are fully vaccinated. 3/8 of us are boosted. 1 of the boosted had only received their booster the same day as exposure and subsequently had mild symptoms and tested positive. 2/8 had no symptoms and tested negative (the fully vaccinated boosted.)
Our covid consisted of 4 babies needing constant care 24/7. One of those suffering was on the verge of needing a visit to the hospital. It was scary. Worse still, there was so much whining. I may never recover from that.
This is our experience. We made it through. Praying the same for all of you.
I seem to be accumulating an abundance of travel mugs lately. That may be because of my need to a) use the adult equivalent to a sippy cup b) preserve the integrity of my coffee temperature as it often gets put aside. I have spilled my coffee 4 times even with my new ‘sippy cups’…
I’ve been trying on a few subscriptions for size in the past couple of months. Our family now has a bone broth subscription and I have a monthly flower subscription. On top of that we are using a local meal kit service, a cleaning service and I have a couple of fitness classes too. Phew! Did I make you tired just listing all of that? Failure to plan is a plan to fail. (Did I just swear? I feel like that could be taken as curse words for someone..)
We have been in a holding pattern which has allowed my very busy brain some space to plan ahead. Our family is growing again. We shall soon have 4 children 4 and under. Plus two bigs who also live under our roof. It is a lot. This is a lot. Planning is required.
I’ve had to ask for help. I’ve had to hire help. I sometimes have to beg for help (“here, take this baby.. I am going to have a bath.”)
There are pieces to the puzzle I haven’t quite figured out and others I am trying on for size.
Overall I am feeling extremely grateful. And in the moments when I feel overwhelmed I will stop to smell the literal rose in my flower bouquet and sip some coffee, bone broth or just plain enjoy a crazy meal with my crazy family.
I’ve been having to talk myself down the past several days. Our bodies makeup is quite astounding. Even when we think we are managing, our bodies are fairly adept at communicating otherwise. Chemically our bodies are intuitive and our brains communicate to the rest of our bodies in a way that should eventually get our attention. Ie tight muscles anyone? Ground down teeth?
Anxiety isn’t top of my list of what ails me. Being overwhelmed would be a better descriptor of what some days feel like. There are a lot of moving parts to this crazy life of ours. And I have fairly high expectations of myself. I am perpetually having to ease off the gas in my life to allow for reality to set in.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How does this busy and exhausted mama manage all of the things? Quite frankly, she doesn’t. She prioritizes and continues to adjust her expectations on the daily.
That mean girl, that cheeky, rude ‘devil on my shoulder’ keeps telling me I am not enough. That I do not do enough. That I should be able to do it all. Today, I choose to talk back to that internal voice and say ‘ENOUGH!’ Whatever I accomplish today, it is enough. I will speak kindness to myself and others. End of story.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to YOU oh LORD my GOD. The rest will take care of itself.
I. Am. A. Mean. Girl. I have absolutely no patience with myself and my limitations. I expect the world (of myself) and find myself lacking …often. Talk about the perfect recipe for a personal crisis.
I have a newborn baby. I am not 20 anymore… in fact I am closer to 50. Whaaaat???! I was tired with my newborns in my 20s. Why should I expect any different of myself now? I also have a 1 year old whose primary objective is to destroy the house on the daily. And a 4 year old whose very essence reeks of independence and sass. I have good reason to feel a bit tired.
Add to these variables that we are reeling from the recent knowledge that the baby girl we raised from 3 days old to 14 mos old passed away under tragic circumstances while no longer in our care. And we are in a daily fight to try and bring her brother back home to us. This is all exhausting. This mama is weary. This is a time for Grace if ever there was one.
So what does self care look like right now? My self care allows for tears. It allows for more Starbucks iced coffees than it should. It allows for gentle movement. It allows for showing up just as I am and having that be good enough.
My self care also says ‘yes.’ It says ‘yes’ to meals being provided and ‘yes’ to gifts of cards and flowers and meal delivery services. It says ‘yes’ to people who offer support through prayer or other intangibles.
My top 5 K.I.S.S. Plan (keep it simple sweetie/stupid) for now is:
Be kind! Move my body when I can however I can.
Be kind! Sleep or snooze or at least rest whenever I can.
Be kind! Be present in the moment because these sweet ones grow all too quickly.
Be joyful. Whatever that looks like… it could be dancing or singing along to a favourite song or being silly with the kids.
Just be. Whatever I feel… (and those feelings are coming fast and furious )… just allow them. Tears are healing balm to my broken heart. Accept that some days are easier and some days are harder. Just be. And breathe.
Baby R has a new learning app that rewards him for his good work with ‘that’s famous!’ He hasn’t regurgitated that expression yet but he does applaud himself for his sneezes with a ‘good one.’ We teach him amazing stuff.
What a world we would live in if we spent more time giving ourselves (and others) a little credit. A little “I am doing this thing in this moment in time to the best of my abilities and It. Is. Good.” Or in baby R’s case… good sneeze.
As someone who primarily utilizes self-deprecating humour as a defence/coping mechanism, I find this hard. And if I view myself this way… does that not taint how I view others?
So, I’ve been practicing grace. For my purposes I am going to oversimplify the definition as ‘unmerited kindness.’ My friends! Can we just be a little bit more kind?!? Please??! Kind in such a way that doesn’t even make sense, that is bigger than us, and more loving than we can even imagine.
This message is brought to you by: 6 mos of not sleeping through the night, adding a newborn to our baby posse, going out in public with puke in my hair or on my shirt, wearing clothes inside out or backwards, and the letter ‘f’.
I am a lifelong learner and the learning curve right now is STEEP! I am having to learn how to manage my depression and keep all the little humans alive, healthy, fed, entertained, clean and clothed. Myself too for that matter.
Just when we (the hubs and I) get things figured out and have our groove on (get your minds out of the gutter!) one of the wee lads moves up a developmental stage and we have to say sayonara to that rhythm.
I feel like I have found the solution to most of life’s mysteries. SPRINKLES! When rigid, intentional planning goes to the wayside I pull out the sprinkles. I sprinkle in a little dance off with the 2 year old. I sprinkle in a little ab workout with the infant. I sprinkle in a spanish lesson during snacktime. I sprinkle in a little blogging during….??? Oh, that’s right… during JAIL BREAK!
When all else fails, I have a jail break. I have the most fabulous friend who helps me get a couple hours here and there to just. be. me. I am so very grateful! The rest of the time, …. SPRINKLES!!!! We all know everything is better with sprinkles anyway.
I feel like I have been running up a huge credit card bill.
I am in debt because of all of the night’s sleep I have had to lay on the altar. I am in debt because I don’t get to go to the bathroom alone. I am in debt because I have to leave the dishes, the laundry, the floors undone for the sake of relationship.
To cook with a baby on one hip, and the other one pilfering the contents of my cupboards is a privilege. And, it is fun!
But, I think I have to put myself on a budget. At some point, something in my psyche (or the crazy haired/eye bagged lady staring back in the mirror at me) is going to have to say.. “JAIL BREAK!” We all need a moment. We need a moment to recharge. We need a moment to fill up. We need a moment to just be us. We need that moment to just be us so that we can run up the tab again and still find it fun.
I am writing this from our local outlet mall parking lot. This was by no means my plan.
I can’t help but smile as I listen to soft snores from the backseat. This is our first time out in a few days. (2 babies plus the mommy = ‘our’.) Our home has been a snot fest (sorry… gross…) and so I quarantined us.
So, with infinite wisdom I decided today we would have an outing because we are mostly better … even though my heart rate is over 100 as my body continues to fight this bug and both babies have permaboogers crusted on their noses.
May I add that our first stop of the day was Walmart for some much needed supplies. Mid-shop the power went out and so we subsequently had to abandon our cart.
It may sound like I am griping but I promise you I am not. I am happy. Soft snores mean happier (and hopefully healthier) boys and sunshine streaming in through my window while sipping coffee (#3) as I type this is just what I need.
This baby is incredibly blessed to somehow magically pee out of his diaper with such force that not only did it splat on the floor but soaked my shirt and somehow not his own!! He has also managed to upchuck inside my shirt so I think that is just the gift that keeps on giving.
I am pretty proud of my own personal talent… I can wiggle my ears… so there is that at least.
I love how we are all continually learning and growing but how we also have things about us that just are. One thing that ‘ just is ‘ about me is my love for young humans. Although I am tired, I am daily exerting my energies within my giftedness and passion and so I am at peace and filled with joy.
To go to bed at the end of the day exhausted from doing good and working wholeheartedly within my ‘just is’ is totally worth it. Now if I could just figure out how to take care of myself a little better within that I would be golden. (Says the woman with a week’s worth of dry shampoo in her hair)
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