An anniversary date is coming up this week. A baby girl I had the privilege of being Mommy to from birth to 14 months old left this world way too soon.
In therapy (this is a much needed resource to help me through) it was suggested I take time to honour her daily. Please indulge me. I never want to forget the beauty of my sweet girl.
I GET to remember her. What a privilege. What a joy to have been her mommy. To know she knew love at such an important time in her life. To know she felt safe and nurtured for the majority of her life. To know she is safe and happy now in her heavenly home … this I take solace in. She is not hungry or scared. She knows no pain and has complete peace.
Thank you sweet girl for the time we had. You are engraved in my heart forever. Until we meet again. That reunion will be oh so sweet.
I can’t show you the images that are emblazoned on my heart. I can’t share the photos of *’our’ baby girl in heaven.
As I snuggle up with her big brother in the home he knows so well, my heart swells with love. But, each time I do (and it is often!) my heart eeks out just a little of the intense grief that I keep carefully tamped down.
You see, he has her eyes.
I cling to the image of that baby girl snuggled up in the arms of Jesus. Daily, her big brother is snuggled up in mine. She is HOME.
*in our home (as foster parents or otherwise) we don’t distinguish how we love. ‘Born into’ or ‘chosen’ for our family, we love wholly.
I have come to accept the thought that even a smaller version of me is still worth pursuing.
I am supposed to be in a 5 day intensive training to become a personal trainer starting today.
If you have been following my life at all, you are aware that we have been walking through extreme hardship, grief and a glimmer of hope coming our way. I have pushed this goal of becoming a personal trainer to 2022 when I can give myself and the course the attention required to be successful.
Today is December 1 and I asked myself what is something I can do that moves me towards my goal. Then I asked, what is my goal anyway?? This morning I lovingly adjusted my expectations and did a mini workout. I have decided that this month I will give a sneak peek of some of what I offer and provide some fun mini workouts on my website. I will share that later.
A smaller version of myself is still the pursuit of wellness with a large dose of grace. If you find yourself weary, overwhelmed, making choices that don’t honour your body and who you are meant to be in this season then maybe you would like to join me. Stay tuned.
This is me in the wee hours of the morning, in my pyjamas with an infant strapped on my chest. If I can do this so can you. Let’s do this!
I have had to pare down my daily activities in recent days. I have done this in the name of both self care and survival.
Pushing pause on a few things that matter to me has been hard. And in the interest of mental health I need to find ways to integrate some of those things back in.
One thing I have added into our lives is playing music that either soothes or energizes me. I may also be singing along because that is just part of how I connect with my music.
Along those same lines, I have added in small Zumba sessions because it lifts my mood instantaneously and serves as exercise at a time when I find it next to impossible to have my hands free of babies.
I read the smallest little bit of my Bible app daily to make sure my mind is focused on things that guide my heart and mind in a way that serves myself and my family well.
I. Am. A. Mean. Girl. I have absolutely no patience with myself and my limitations. I expect the world (of myself) and find myself lacking …often. Talk about the perfect recipe for a personal crisis.
I have a newborn baby. I am not 20 anymore… in fact I am closer to 50. Whaaaat???! I was tired with my newborns in my 20s. Why should I expect any different of myself now? I also have a 1 year old whose primary objective is to destroy the house on the daily. And a 4 year old whose very essence reeks of independence and sass. I have good reason to feel a bit tired.
Add to these variables that we are reeling from the recent knowledge that the baby girl we raised from 3 days old to 14 mos old passed away under tragic circumstances while no longer in our care. And we are in a daily fight to try and bring her brother back home to us. This is all exhausting. This mama is weary. This is a time for Grace if ever there was one.
So what does self care look like right now? My self care allows for tears. It allows for more Starbucks iced coffees than it should. It allows for gentle movement. It allows for showing up just as I am and having that be good enough.
My self care also says ‘yes.’ It says ‘yes’ to meals being provided and ‘yes’ to gifts of cards and flowers and meal delivery services. It says ‘yes’ to people who offer support through prayer or other intangibles.
My top 5 K.I.S.S. Plan (keep it simple sweetie/stupid) for now is:
Be kind! Move my body when I can however I can.
Be kind! Sleep or snooze or at least rest whenever I can.
Be kind! Be present in the moment because these sweet ones grow all too quickly.
Be joyful. Whatever that looks like… it could be dancing or singing along to a favourite song or being silly with the kids.
Just be. Whatever I feel… (and those feelings are coming fast and furious )… just allow them. Tears are healing balm to my broken heart. Accept that some days are easier and some days are harder. Just be. And breathe.
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