I have had to pare down my daily activities in recent days. I have done this in the name of both self care and survival.
Pushing pause on a few things that matter to me has been hard. And in the interest of mental health I need to find ways to integrate some of those things back in.
One thing I have added into our lives is playing music that either soothes or energizes me. I may also be singing along because that is just part of how I connect with my music.
Along those same lines, I have added in small Zumba sessions because it lifts my mood instantaneously and serves as exercise at a time when I find it next to impossible to have my hands free of babies.
I read the smallest little bit of my Bible app daily to make sure my mind is focused on things that guide my heart and mind in a way that serves myself and my family well.
I’ve been having to talk myself down the past several days. Our bodies makeup is quite astounding. Even when we think we are managing, our bodies are fairly adept at communicating otherwise. Chemically our bodies are intuitive and our brains communicate to the rest of our bodies in a way that should eventually get our attention. Ie tight muscles anyone? Ground down teeth?
Anxiety isn’t top of my list of what ails me. Being overwhelmed would be a better descriptor of what some days feel like. There are a lot of moving parts to this crazy life of ours. And I have fairly high expectations of myself. I am perpetually having to ease off the gas in my life to allow for reality to set in.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How does this busy and exhausted mama manage all of the things? Quite frankly, she doesn’t. She prioritizes and continues to adjust her expectations on the daily.
That mean girl, that cheeky, rude ‘devil on my shoulder’ keeps telling me I am not enough. That I do not do enough. That I should be able to do it all. Today, I choose to talk back to that internal voice and say ‘ENOUGH!’ Whatever I accomplish today, it is enough. I will speak kindness to myself and others. End of story.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to YOU oh LORD my GOD. The rest will take care of itself.
I. Am. A. Mean. Girl. I have absolutely no patience with myself and my limitations. I expect the world (of myself) and find myself lacking …often. Talk about the perfect recipe for a personal crisis.
I have a newborn baby. I am not 20 anymore… in fact I am closer to 50. Whaaaat???! I was tired with my newborns in my 20s. Why should I expect any different of myself now? I also have a 1 year old whose primary objective is to destroy the house on the daily. And a 4 year old whose very essence reeks of independence and sass. I have good reason to feel a bit tired.
Add to these variables that we are reeling from the recent knowledge that the baby girl we raised from 3 days old to 14 mos old passed away under tragic circumstances while no longer in our care. And we are in a daily fight to try and bring her brother back home to us. This is all exhausting. This mama is weary. This is a time for Grace if ever there was one.
So what does self care look like right now? My self care allows for tears. It allows for more Starbucks iced coffees than it should. It allows for gentle movement. It allows for showing up just as I am and having that be good enough.
My self care also says ‘yes.’ It says ‘yes’ to meals being provided and ‘yes’ to gifts of cards and flowers and meal delivery services. It says ‘yes’ to people who offer support through prayer or other intangibles.
My top 5 K.I.S.S. Plan (keep it simple sweetie/stupid) for now is:
Be kind! Move my body when I can however I can.
Be kind! Sleep or snooze or at least rest whenever I can.
Be kind! Be present in the moment because these sweet ones grow all too quickly.
Be joyful. Whatever that looks like… it could be dancing or singing along to a favourite song or being silly with the kids.
Just be. Whatever I feel… (and those feelings are coming fast and furious )… just allow them. Tears are healing balm to my broken heart. Accept that some days are easier and some days are harder. Just be. And breathe.
I learned to drive before the age of 10. I only almost drove into a fence a couple of times. (I didn’t say I learned to drive well…) Some things are meant to be done just to do it.
I have been undertaking a few little side projects as of late. Keeping in touch with the part of me that isn’t child rearing related is part of my plan for staying sane.
If I waited for perfect circumstances I would never do anything.
I remember attending a training for my direct sale business where they talked about the ‘Din din club.’ Do it now. Do it now! DO IT NOW!
Don’t wait until you have the perfect body, the perfect life, the ideal circumstances. Determine your course (prayerfully I hope) and DO IT!!!
In other news, I accidentally bought hammerpants. Enjoy
You know that squishy part on our bodies where we all store those extra cookies?? That is the place that has been under attack.
The quiet voice whispering lies to you about your worth, your value…?? Can anyone relate? The voice that fills you with doubt and fear about the future? The worry about how to make ends meet? The grief that accompanies a suspension of in person visit with loved ones? The list could go on.
I could write a dissertation on all my personal squishy parts that are oh so tender… but instead I am just going to shine a light on it. By shining a light on it, we can all do battle just a bit better.
Today this song is on repeat. Love. Freedom. Truth. Truth on repeat. Praying for you to find light today.
I find it pretty hard to plan my life these days. The pendulum swings from one extreme to the other. Either, I rock my day and accomplish a million things, all while looking like a million bucks (meaning I changed out of my night pyjamas into my day pyjamas); or my house looks like a bomb was deployed and I discover that I have someone else’s booger in my unwashed hair. I believe this is where I am supposed to give you a wink and a finger gun and tell you ‘it’s all about balance.’
There is nothing normal about life right now. There is no balance to be had. This is not normal. For me, to be isolated with 3 under 3 without a release valve is not normal or healthy! To not be feeling a bit off would be weird. And obviously I am not weird… 🤪
For others, to suddenly be thrust into the role of home school teacher … that is just cruel and unusual punishment. Cancelled graduations, postponed celebrations, weddings, funerals, births, just to name a few,… is not normal. Not to be trite… but ‘it is ok not to be ok’ in light of the covid 19 pandemic. To be not touched by it in some way would also be beyond weird.
So, today if you leapt out of bed and did your hour long peloton workout at 5:30 am .. gold star for you. If you called in sick to your boss (who happens to be you) because season 3 of Brooklyn nine-nine just sounds better.. gold star for you too!
The reality is, you can do all the right things to ‘feel better’, ‘do better’, ‘be better’, and still feel like crap. But perhaps tomorrow, tomorrow will feel a little less crappy.
Little R has taken to grabbing shirts, jackets, underwear, blankets and pillows in order to tuck himself into a cute little nest.
There is something to be said about being comfortable. We are NOT in comfortable times right now in the world . Many of us have found ourselves binge shopping, binge watching or binge eating in order to cope with a pandemic . I think it is times like these that show us what we are made of. Apparently a lot of us are made out of toilet paper??!
It would be very easy to just stay in my ugly sweats or pjs and melt into a puddle of complacency or fear. Perhaps we get a little bit too ‘cozy cozy’ when the world becomes simultaneously too big and too small as the world hyper focuses on the latest news on the covid19 virus.
As someone who has a predisposition towards depression; complacency and or fear are not winning scenarios. So, in the face of crisis, (for all of us) one thing I personally can do is show up. And not just show up, but show up a little bit better than I did yesterday. I have to see beyond myself and really reach in with my family, up to my Heavenly Father and out to those who don’t have the same supports and blessings I do.
We are all learning as we go. Today, I am choosing to up level my existence by writing this. Maybe one person will be blessed to know that I am struggling too?
Baby R has a new learning app that rewards him for his good work with ‘that’s famous!’ He hasn’t regurgitated that expression yet but he does applaud himself for his sneezes with a ‘good one.’ We teach him amazing stuff.
What a world we would live in if we spent more time giving ourselves (and others) a little credit. A little “I am doing this thing in this moment in time to the best of my abilities and It. Is. Good.” Or in baby R’s case… good sneeze.
As someone who primarily utilizes self-deprecating humour as a defence/coping mechanism, I find this hard. And if I view myself this way… does that not taint how I view others?
So, I’ve been practicing grace. For my purposes I am going to oversimplify the definition as ‘unmerited kindness.’ My friends! Can we just be a little bit more kind?!? Please??! Kind in such a way that doesn’t even make sense, that is bigger than us, and more loving than we can even imagine.
This message is brought to you by: 6 mos of not sleeping through the night, adding a newborn to our baby posse, going out in public with puke in my hair or on my shirt, wearing clothes inside out or backwards, and the letter ‘f’.
I am writing this from our local outlet mall parking lot. This was by no means my plan.
I can’t help but smile as I listen to soft snores from the backseat. This is our first time out in a few days. (2 babies plus the mommy = ‘our’.) Our home has been a snot fest (sorry… gross…) and so I quarantined us.
So, with infinite wisdom I decided today we would have an outing because we are mostly better … even though my heart rate is over 100 as my body continues to fight this bug and both babies have permaboogers crusted on their noses.
May I add that our first stop of the day was Walmart for some much needed supplies. Mid-shop the power went out and so we subsequently had to abandon our cart.
It may sound like I am griping but I promise you I am not. I am happy. Soft snores mean happier (and hopefully healthier) boys and sunshine streaming in through my window while sipping coffee (#3) as I type this is just what I need.
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