Project Mean Girl … again

I. Am. A. Mean. Girl. I have absolutely no patience with myself and my limitations. I expect the world (of myself) and find myself lacking …often. Talk about the perfect recipe for a personal crisis.

I have a newborn baby. I am not 20 anymore… in fact I am closer to 50. Whaaaat???! I was tired with my newborns in my 20s. Why should I expect any different of myself now? I also have a 1 year old whose primary objective is to destroy the house on the daily. And a 4 year old whose very essence reeks of independence and sass. I have good reason to feel a bit tired.

Add to these variables that we are reeling from the recent knowledge that the baby girl we raised from 3 days old to 14 mos old passed away under tragic circumstances while no longer in our care. And we are in a daily fight to try and bring her brother back home to us. This is all exhausting. This mama is weary. This is a time for Grace if ever there was one.

So what does self care look like right now? My self care allows for tears. It allows for more Starbucks iced coffees than it should. It allows for gentle movement. It allows for showing up just as I am and having that be good enough.

My self care also says ‘yes.’ It says ‘yes’ to meals being provided and ‘yes’ to gifts of cards and flowers and meal delivery services. It says ‘yes’ to people who offer support through prayer or other intangibles.

My top 5 K.I.S.S. Plan (keep it simple sweetie/stupid) for now is:

Be kind! Move my body when I can however I can.

Be kind! Sleep or snooze or at least rest whenever I can.

Be kind! Be present in the moment because these sweet ones grow all too quickly.

Be joyful. Whatever that looks like… it could be dancing or singing along to a favourite song or being silly with the kids.

Just be. Whatever I feel… (and those feelings are coming fast and furious )… just allow them. Tears are healing balm to my broken heart. Accept that some days are easier and some days are harder. Just be. And breathe.

Project Gird your loins

You know that squishy part on our bodies where we all store those extra cookies?? That is the place that has been under attack.

The quiet voice whispering lies to you about your worth, your value…?? Can anyone relate? The voice that fills you with doubt and fear about the future? The worry about how to make ends meet? The grief that accompanies a suspension of in person visit with loved ones? The list could go on.

I could write a dissertation on all my personal squishy parts that are oh so tender… but instead I am just going to shine a light on it. By shining a light on it, we can all do battle just a bit better.

Today this song is on repeat. Love. Freedom. Truth. Truth on repeat. Praying for you to find light today.

Project Gold star

I find it pretty hard to plan my life these days. The pendulum swings from one extreme to the other. Either, I rock my day and accomplish a million things, all while looking like a million bucks (meaning I changed out of my night pyjamas into my day pyjamas); or my house looks like a bomb was deployed and I discover that I have someone else’s booger in my unwashed hair. I believe this is where I am supposed to give you a wink and a finger gun and tell you ‘it’s all about balance.’

There is nothing normal about life right now. There is no balance to be had. This is not normal. For me, to be isolated with 3 under 3 without a release valve is not normal or healthy! To not be feeling a bit off would be weird. And obviously I am not weird… 🤪

For others, to suddenly be thrust into the role of home school teacher … that is just cruel and unusual punishment. Cancelled graduations, postponed celebrations, weddings, funerals, births, just to name a few,… is not normal. Not to be trite… but ‘it is ok not to be ok’ in light of the covid 19 pandemic. To be not touched by it in some way would also be beyond weird.

So, today if you leapt out of bed and did your hour long peloton workout at 5:30 am .. gold star for you. If you called in sick to your boss (who happens to be you) because season 3 of Brooklyn nine-nine just sounds better.. gold star for you too!

The reality is, you can do all the right things to ‘feel better’, ‘do better’, ‘be better’, and still feel like crap. But perhaps tomorrow, tomorrow will feel a little less crappy.

Project Clumsy

Not a day goes by when I don’t discover some unknown bruise on my body. I may run into a thing or two, or be clambered on by thing 1 and 2 (the toddlers) &/or beast 1 and 2 (the bernards.)

I also have some unseen booboos. These wounds typically manifest in the wee hours of the night when it is quiet. Yes, believe it or not… there is quiet… and there is alone time with my own thoughts. Every mistake I have ever made, every misspoken word, embarrassing moment, perceived failure, broken relationship comes back and torments me and tries to rob me of peace.

Wouldn’t it be astounding if I could write here and now, in this moment… that I have figured out how to deal? Moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day… I sometimes am victorious in taking those thoughts and practicing grace and forgiveness for myself. Other times, not so much. There have been more of the latter lately.

During covid physical distancing and isolation, I have found that those thoughts have been coming back on repeat,.. day after day. And have been left me feeling raw, worn out, and alone.

There is hope though… because I believe in Truth. And that Truth, which I choose to dive into day after day comes to me in the form of spending time with the Healer Immanuel and immersing myself in music that washes over me with waves of peace so that today… today can be just a bit better than yesterday.

This song is one that I sing day after day. It is my truth.

p.s. I didn’t want to write this. It isn’t funny. It isn’t light. But it is honest and sometimes that is enough.