Project Van Gogh Knees

My Fall plans got waylaid. As I find myself in a season of waiting, there is a nervous energy about me. Nervous energy usually results in some kind of need for focus. How do you harness nervous energy? Beats me… which results in things like ‘Van Gogh’s knees.’

I am once again working on my fitness endeavors and this is next to impossible as I have the sweetest little newborn baby boy (is 2 mos still considered newborn?!?) who pretty much insists on being attached to my body all day, every day. But, I am not easily deterred. Baby on me or no, I will learn this!

The mom brain that recently allowed me to mail off the key to our community mailbox parcel compartment instead of actually opening the box is the same brain pursuing this quest. Difficulty level 100…no 1,000… no… 10,000,000!

So, if in the next little while you find yourself wanting to participate in the above mentioned class, do brace yourself for the best verbal cues of your life — and by ‘best’ I mean Van Gogh’s knees. You’re welcome.

Project Basic

I have had to pare down my daily activities in recent days. I have done this in the name of both self care and survival.

Pushing pause on a few things that matter to me has been hard. And in the interest of mental health I need to find ways to integrate some of those things back in.

One thing I have added into our lives is playing music that either soothes or energizes me. I may also be singing along because that is just part of how I connect with my music.

Along those same lines, I have added in small Zumba sessions because it lifts my mood instantaneously and serves as exercise at a time when I find it next to impossible to have my hands free of babies.

I read the smallest little bit of my Bible app daily to make sure my mind is focused on things that guide my heart and mind in a way that serves myself and my family well.

So very basic. So very necessary.

Project Backtalk

I’ve been having to talk myself down the past several days. Our bodies makeup is quite astounding. Even when we think we are managing, our bodies are fairly adept at communicating otherwise. Chemically our bodies are intuitive and our brains communicate to the rest of our bodies in a way that should eventually get our attention. Ie tight muscles anyone? Ground down teeth?

Anxiety isn’t top of my list of what ails me. Being overwhelmed would be a better descriptor of what some days feel like. There are a lot of moving parts to this crazy life of ours. And I have fairly high expectations of myself. I am perpetually having to ease off the gas in my life to allow for reality to set in.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How does this busy and exhausted mama manage all of the things? Quite frankly, she doesn’t. She prioritizes and continues to adjust her expectations on the daily.

That mean girl, that cheeky, rude ‘devil on my shoulder’ keeps telling me I am not enough. That I do not do enough. That I should be able to do it all. Today, I choose to talk back to that internal voice and say ‘ENOUGH!’ Whatever I accomplish today, it is enough. I will speak kindness to myself and others. End of story.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to YOU oh LORD my GOD. The rest will take care of itself.

Project Mean Girl … again

I. Am. A. Mean. Girl. I have absolutely no patience with myself and my limitations. I expect the world (of myself) and find myself lacking …often. Talk about the perfect recipe for a personal crisis.

I have a newborn baby. I am not 20 anymore… in fact I am closer to 50. Whaaaat???! I was tired with my newborns in my 20s. Why should I expect any different of myself now? I also have a 1 year old whose primary objective is to destroy the house on the daily. And a 4 year old whose very essence reeks of independence and sass. I have good reason to feel a bit tired.

Add to these variables that we are reeling from the recent knowledge that the baby girl we raised from 3 days old to 14 mos old passed away under tragic circumstances while no longer in our care. And we are in a daily fight to try and bring her brother back home to us. This is all exhausting. This mama is weary. This is a time for Grace if ever there was one.

So what does self care look like right now? My self care allows for tears. It allows for more Starbucks iced coffees than it should. It allows for gentle movement. It allows for showing up just as I am and having that be good enough.

My self care also says ‘yes.’ It says ‘yes’ to meals being provided and ‘yes’ to gifts of cards and flowers and meal delivery services. It says ‘yes’ to people who offer support through prayer or other intangibles.

My top 5 K.I.S.S. Plan (keep it simple sweetie/stupid) for now is:

Be kind! Move my body when I can however I can.

Be kind! Sleep or snooze or at least rest whenever I can.

Be kind! Be present in the moment because these sweet ones grow all too quickly.

Be joyful. Whatever that looks like… it could be dancing or singing along to a favourite song or being silly with the kids.

Just be. Whatever I feel… (and those feelings are coming fast and furious )… just allow them. Tears are healing balm to my broken heart. Accept that some days are easier and some days are harder. Just be. And breathe.

Project Volkswagen

I learned to drive before the age of 10. I only almost drove into a fence a couple of times. (I didn’t say I learned to drive well…) Some things are meant to be done just to do it.

I have been undertaking a few little side projects as of late. Keeping in touch with the part of me that isn’t child rearing related is part of my plan for staying sane.

If I waited for perfect circumstances I would never do anything.

I remember attending a training for my direct sale business where they talked about the ‘Din din club.’ Do it now. Do it now! DO IT NOW!

Don’t wait until you have the perfect body, the perfect life, the ideal circumstances. Determine your course (prayerfully I hope) and DO IT!!!

In other news, I accidentally bought hammerpants. Enjoy

Project Gird your loins

You know that squishy part on our bodies where we all store those extra cookies?? That is the place that has been under attack.

The quiet voice whispering lies to you about your worth, your value…?? Can anyone relate? The voice that fills you with doubt and fear about the future? The worry about how to make ends meet? The grief that accompanies a suspension of in person visit with loved ones? The list could go on.

I could write a dissertation on all my personal squishy parts that are oh so tender… but instead I am just going to shine a light on it. By shining a light on it, we can all do battle just a bit better.

Today this song is on repeat. Love. Freedom. Truth. Truth on repeat. Praying for you to find light today.

Project Crayola

Not to name any names… but someone has been pooping the rainbow around here…. (*cough cough* Iris Bernard who is NO saint!)

It is challenging enough to keep the kids from ‘tasting’ their crayons let alone keep the dog from literally eating them.

Just because it looks good, smells good, tastes good, feels good does not make it good.

Thank you to my giant fur baby for teaching me this surviving covid 19 lesson today.

*Content warning— the following video may either make you smile or make you never read my blog again.*

Project “that’s famous!”

Baby R has a new learning app that rewards him for his good work with ‘that’s famous!’ He hasn’t regurgitated that expression yet but he does applaud himself for his sneezes with a ‘good one.’ We teach him amazing stuff.

What a world we would live in if we spent more time giving ourselves (and others) a little credit. A little “I am doing this thing in this moment in time to the best of my abilities and It. Is. Good.” Or in baby R’s case… good sneeze.

As someone who primarily utilizes self-deprecating humour as a defence/coping mechanism, I find this hard. And if I view myself this way… does that not taint how I view others?

So, I’ve been practicing grace. For my purposes I am going to oversimplify the definition as ‘unmerited kindness.’ My friends! Can we just be a little bit more kind?!? Please??! Kind in such a way that doesn’t even make sense, that is bigger than us, and more loving than we can even imagine.

This message is brought to you by: 6 mos of not sleeping through the night, adding a newborn to our baby posse, going out in public with puke in my hair or on my shirt, wearing clothes inside out or backwards, and the letter ‘f’.

Project sprinkles

I am a lifelong learner and the learning curve right now is STEEP! I am having to learn how to manage my depression and keep all the little humans alive, healthy, fed, entertained, clean and clothed. Myself too for that matter.

Just when we (the hubs and I) get things figured out and have our groove on (get your minds out of the gutter!) one of the wee lads moves up a developmental stage and we have to say sayonara to that rhythm.

I feel like I have found the solution to most of life’s mysteries. SPRINKLES! When rigid, intentional planning goes to the wayside I pull out the sprinkles. I sprinkle in a little dance off with the 2 year old. I sprinkle in a little ab workout with the infant. I sprinkle in a spanish lesson during snacktime. I sprinkle in a little blogging during….??? Oh, that’s right… during JAIL BREAK!

When all else fails, I have a jail break. I have the most fabulous friend who helps me get a couple hours here and there to just. be. me. I am so very grateful! The rest of the time, …. SPRINKLES!!!! We all know everything is better with sprinkles anyway.

sprinkles

When

Project American Express

I feel like I have been running up a huge credit card bill.

I am in debt because of all of the night’s sleep I have had to lay on the altar. I am in debt because I don’t get to go to the bathroom alone. I am in debt because I have to leave the dishes, the laundry, the floors undone for the sake of relationship.

To cook with a baby on one hip, and the other one pilfering the contents of my cupboards is a privilege. And, it is fun!

But, I think I have to put myself on a budget. At some point, something in my psyche (or the crazy haired/eye bagged lady staring back in the mirror at me) is going to have to say.. “JAIL BREAK!” We all need a moment. We need a moment to recharge. We need a moment to fill up. We need a moment to just be us. We need that moment to just be us so that we can run up the tab again and still find it fun.