Project Gold star

I find it pretty hard to plan my life these days. The pendulum swings from one extreme to the other. Either, I rock my day and accomplish a million things, all while looking like a million bucks (meaning I changed out of my night pyjamas into my day pyjamas); or my house looks like a bomb was deployed and I discover that I have someone else’s booger in my unwashed hair. I believe this is where I am supposed to give you a wink and a finger gun and tell you ‘it’s all about balance.’

There is nothing normal about life right now. There is no balance to be had. This is not normal. For me, to be isolated with 3 under 3 without a release valve is not normal or healthy! To not be feeling a bit off would be weird. And obviously I am not weird… 🤪

For others, to suddenly be thrust into the role of home school teacher … that is just cruel and unusual punishment. Cancelled graduations, postponed celebrations, weddings, funerals, births, just to name a few,… is not normal. Not to be trite… but ‘it is ok not to be ok’ in light of the covid 19 pandemic. To be not touched by it in some way would also be beyond weird.

So, today if you leapt out of bed and did your hour long peloton workout at 5:30 am .. gold star for you. If you called in sick to your boss (who happens to be you) because season 3 of Brooklyn nine-nine just sounds better.. gold star for you too!

The reality is, you can do all the right things to ‘feel better’, ‘do better’, ‘be better’, and still feel like crap. But perhaps tomorrow, tomorrow will feel a little less crappy.

Project Clumsy

Not a day goes by when I don’t discover some unknown bruise on my body. I may run into a thing or two, or be clambered on by thing 1 and 2 (the toddlers) &/or beast 1 and 2 (the bernards.)

I also have some unseen booboos. These wounds typically manifest in the wee hours of the night when it is quiet. Yes, believe it or not… there is quiet… and there is alone time with my own thoughts. Every mistake I have ever made, every misspoken word, embarrassing moment, perceived failure, broken relationship comes back and torments me and tries to rob me of peace.

Wouldn’t it be astounding if I could write here and now, in this moment… that I have figured out how to deal? Moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day… I sometimes am victorious in taking those thoughts and practicing grace and forgiveness for myself. Other times, not so much. There have been more of the latter lately.

During covid physical distancing and isolation, I have found that those thoughts have been coming back on repeat,.. day after day. And have been left me feeling raw, worn out, and alone.

There is hope though… because I believe in Truth. And that Truth, which I choose to dive into day after day comes to me in the form of spending time with the Healer Immanuel and immersing myself in music that washes over me with waves of peace so that today… today can be just a bit better than yesterday.

This song is one that I sing day after day. It is my truth.

p.s. I didn’t want to write this. It isn’t funny. It isn’t light. But it is honest and sometimes that is enough.

Project Pissenlit

My humour is very refined. When I saw that ‘dandelion’ translates to ‘pissenlit’ in French, I giggled. I now only call dandelions ‘pissenlit’ because I am sophisticated like that. (See definition below)

I recently began limiting my caffeine intake to one coffee per day. To help curb that craving for a little pick me up in the afternoon I discovered that dandelion tea is a comparable substitute.

False. This is fake news. No matter how closely it resembles, dandelion tea is not coffee.

No matter how closely we make our new normal resemble our former life pre-covid; we all long for our normal normal.

Yes, we have become bakers, chefs, teachers, writers, poets, bloggers, and more. We are resilient. But let’s call a spade a spade. This. Sucketh.

(The web told me: “In French, dandelion is pissenlit, a noun composed of a conjugated form of the verb pisser, to piss, the preposition en, meaning in, and the noun lit, bed, because this plant was formerly well known for its diuretic properties.” )

Project Lustre

Breaking news! My sparkles are showing! Did you hear that hair colour has become the new toilet paper??!

An alien must have burst out of my face this morning because the mere application of lipstick seemed to solicit strange stares from the fam jam.

There has to be a happy compromise between incessantly grooming ourselves and changing from day pyjamas to night pyjamas.

This is a unique moment in our history. Yes, it is scary. Yes, it can feel stressful. Yes, it can feel overwhelming. We can feel ill prepared. But, each day we have an opportunity to be just a bit better than the last. Be kind to yourself. Extend grace to others and take one itty bitty baby step forward.

When all this covid is in the rearview, I suspect we are all going to look very different. I for one will be a little bit more sparkly and a lot more grateful.

Project Cozy cozy

Little R has taken to grabbing shirts, jackets, underwear, blankets and pillows in order to tuck himself into a cute little nest.

There is something to be said about being comfortable. We are NOT in comfortable times right now in the world . Many of us have found ourselves binge shopping, binge watching or binge eating in order to cope with a pandemic . I think it is times like these that show us what we are made of. Apparently a lot of us are made out of toilet paper??!

It would be very easy to just stay in my ugly sweats or pjs and melt into a puddle of complacency or fear. Perhaps we get a little bit too ‘cozy cozy’ when the world becomes simultaneously too big and too small as the world hyper focuses on the latest news on the covid19 virus.

As someone who has a predisposition towards depression; complacency and or fear are not winning scenarios. So, in the face of crisis, (for all of us) one thing I personally can do is show up. And not just show up, but show up a little bit better than I did yesterday. I have to see beyond myself and really reach in with my family, up to my Heavenly Father and out to those who don’t have the same supports and blessings I do.

We are all learning as we go. Today, I am choosing to up level my existence by writing this. Maybe one person will be blessed to know that I am struggling too?

Project “that’s famous!”

Baby R has a new learning app that rewards him for his good work with ‘that’s famous!’ He hasn’t regurgitated that expression yet but he does applaud himself for his sneezes with a ‘good one.’ We teach him amazing stuff.

What a world we would live in if we spent more time giving ourselves (and others) a little credit. A little “I am doing this thing in this moment in time to the best of my abilities and It. Is. Good.” Or in baby R’s case… good sneeze.

As someone who primarily utilizes self-deprecating humour as a defence/coping mechanism, I find this hard. And if I view myself this way… does that not taint how I view others?

So, I’ve been practicing grace. For my purposes I am going to oversimplify the definition as ‘unmerited kindness.’ My friends! Can we just be a little bit more kind?!? Please??! Kind in such a way that doesn’t even make sense, that is bigger than us, and more loving than we can even imagine.

This message is brought to you by: 6 mos of not sleeping through the night, adding a newborn to our baby posse, going out in public with puke in my hair or on my shirt, wearing clothes inside out or backwards, and the letter ‘f’.

Project sprinkles

I am a lifelong learner and the learning curve right now is STEEP! I am having to learn how to manage my depression and keep all the little humans alive, healthy, fed, entertained, clean and clothed. Myself too for that matter.

Just when we (the hubs and I) get things figured out and have our groove on (get your minds out of the gutter!) one of the wee lads moves up a developmental stage and we have to say sayonara to that rhythm.

I feel like I have found the solution to most of life’s mysteries. SPRINKLES! When rigid, intentional planning goes to the wayside I pull out the sprinkles. I sprinkle in a little dance off with the 2 year old. I sprinkle in a little ab workout with the infant. I sprinkle in a spanish lesson during snacktime. I sprinkle in a little blogging during….??? Oh, that’s right… during JAIL BREAK!

When all else fails, I have a jail break. I have the most fabulous friend who helps me get a couple hours here and there to just. be. me. I am so very grateful! The rest of the time, …. SPRINKLES!!!! We all know everything is better with sprinkles anyway.

sprinkles

When

Project American Express

I feel like I have been running up a huge credit card bill.

I am in debt because of all of the night’s sleep I have had to lay on the altar. I am in debt because I don’t get to go to the bathroom alone. I am in debt because I have to leave the dishes, the laundry, the floors undone for the sake of relationship.

To cook with a baby on one hip, and the other one pilfering the contents of my cupboards is a privilege. And, it is fun!

But, I think I have to put myself on a budget. At some point, something in my psyche (or the crazy haired/eye bagged lady staring back in the mirror at me) is going to have to say.. “JAIL BREAK!” We all need a moment. We need a moment to recharge. We need a moment to fill up. We need a moment to just be us. We need that moment to just be us so that we can run up the tab again and still find it fun.

Project snoresville

I am writing this from our local outlet mall parking lot. This was by no means my plan.

I can’t help but smile as I listen to soft snores from the backseat. This is our first time out in a few days. (2 babies plus the mommy = ‘our’.) Our home has been a snot fest (sorry… gross…) and so I quarantined us.

So, with infinite wisdom I decided today we would have an outing because we are mostly better … even though my heart rate is over 100 as my body continues to fight this bug and both babies have permaboogers crusted on their noses.

May I add that our first stop of the day was Walmart for some much needed supplies. Mid-shop the power went out and so we subsequently had to abandon our cart.

It may sound like I am griping but I promise you I am not. I am happy. Soft snores mean happier (and hopefully healthier) boys and sunshine streaming in through my window while sipping coffee (#3) as I type this is just what I need.

Happy Monday all!!

Project all about that bass

Surprisingly, I haven’t put my underwear on backwards or inside out… lately. I also seem to mostly match and rarely go out with puke in my pocket. (Did you even know it is possible to get puke in your pocket? Trust me. It is not only possible… it is probable if your most common attire is overalls which are known for an abundance of pockets)

Wow. That digressed quickly. I just wanted to pop on here and put out a little blurb re reasonable expectations.

I have had to adjust my expectations of myself so that I don’t fester in an over abundance of mom guilt.

My expectation now is that all humans and animals who reside in this domicile will be kept alive through being fed and cared for in the best way I can in this moment in time. (Question- does McDonald’s offer a rewards program for frequent visits? Asking for a friend…)

My expectation of my appearance is that I will neither wow nor leave people wondering. (Read- I wear clothes that are functional and not covered in puke but covered in cookies is still sometimes acceptable.)

My expectation is no longer that I will get a full night’s sleep but rather that I will sleep when I have opportunity to do so. (Read -naps=life)

So how does depression figure in all this? My baseline of self care has adjusted a lot. And self care is a big part of managing depression.

First off… MEDICATION! Yup. Still doing that. Still helps.

Secondly, Movement. Yup. I vacuum. I walk. I dance. I do extra trips up and down the stairs. Occasionally I mall walk. Sometimes I do actual cardio or strength training. But right now, in a period of adjustment I am just doing life. This season is all too short and much too sweet to do anything more. Babies are not babies forever.

Other ingredients in my recipe for this life with babies:

Showering. Eating as well as I can. Multivitamin. Lots of water. So much coffee!!! And the piece de resistance — a sense of humour, delight in each moment (even when I dip my hands in poo… again), being present with these precious baby boys and loving on them as they grow in wisdom and stature (Read- one is a climber and daily outsmarting me as he gets more proficient in said climbing.)