Project Volkswagen

I learned to drive before the age of 10. I only almost drove into a fence a couple of times. (I didn’t say I learned to drive well…) Some things are meant to be done just to do it.

I have been undertaking a few little side projects as of late. Keeping in touch with the part of me that isn’t child rearing related is part of my plan for staying sane.

If I waited for perfect circumstances I would never do anything.

I remember attending a training for my direct sale business where they talked about the ‘Din din club.’ Do it now. Do it now! DO IT NOW!

Don’t wait until you have the perfect body, the perfect life, the ideal circumstances. Determine your course (prayerfully I hope) and DO IT!!!

In other news, I accidentally bought hammerpants. Enjoy

Project Gird your loins

You know that squishy part on our bodies where we all store those extra cookies?? That is the place that has been under attack.

The quiet voice whispering lies to you about your worth, your value…?? Can anyone relate? The voice that fills you with doubt and fear about the future? The worry about how to make ends meet? The grief that accompanies a suspension of in person visit with loved ones? The list could go on.

I could write a dissertation on all my personal squishy parts that are oh so tender… but instead I am just going to shine a light on it. By shining a light on it, we can all do battle just a bit better.

Today this song is on repeat. Love. Freedom. Truth. Truth on repeat. Praying for you to find light today.

Project 404

Nothing feels more incomplete than a computer screen that reads ‘error 404.’ (And I NEVER exaggerate…)

I am pretty sure all of us (even as the world is kind of re-opening) feel like we are living out error 404 daily.

In the interest of full transparency, I made a miscalculation concerning my antidepressant. Pre-Covid19, I was feeling good. Like maybe I kicked my depression to the curb good. And so, when my prescription refill got called in by my doctor I didn’t bother to let him know that he was prescribing my earlier dosage. I just went with it. It was only a tiny difference and so I believed that it would be no big deal.

It has been kind of a deal.

Every strategy, system, schedule I had in place pre-Corona got paused. Error 404. ‘Almost everything you know to do to live your life and be well cannot be found.’ Doh!

If we weren’t going through all of the ramifications of a novel virus perhaps all would be well… maybe…

And so, I write this poolside… snorting some vitamin D because that helps. I have a belly full of a antioxidant rich, autoimmune boosting salad. I have let my people know that I am struggling. And I am taking a baby step forward today to do just a bit better. (Which includes my previous, previous dose of antidepressant.)

To be struggling at a time like this isn’t unusual… in fact it should probably have been anticipated. Coulda shoulda woulda. Oh well. That’s me. How you doin??!

Project Crayola

Not to name any names… but someone has been pooping the rainbow around here…. (*cough cough* Iris Bernard who is NO saint!)

It is challenging enough to keep the kids from ‘tasting’ their crayons let alone keep the dog from literally eating them.

Just because it looks good, smells good, tastes good, feels good does not make it good.

Thank you to my giant fur baby for teaching me this surviving covid 19 lesson today.

*Content warning— the following video may either make you smile or make you never read my blog again.*

Project Gold star

I find it pretty hard to plan my life these days. The pendulum swings from one extreme to the other. Either, I rock my day and accomplish a million things, all while looking like a million bucks (meaning I changed out of my night pyjamas into my day pyjamas); or my house looks like a bomb was deployed and I discover that I have someone else’s booger in my unwashed hair. I believe this is where I am supposed to give you a wink and a finger gun and tell you ‘it’s all about balance.’

There is nothing normal about life right now. There is no balance to be had. This is not normal. For me, to be isolated with 3 under 3 without a release valve is not normal or healthy! To not be feeling a bit off would be weird. And obviously I am not weird… 🤪

For others, to suddenly be thrust into the role of home school teacher … that is just cruel and unusual punishment. Cancelled graduations, postponed celebrations, weddings, funerals, births, just to name a few,… is not normal. Not to be trite… but ‘it is ok not to be ok’ in light of the covid 19 pandemic. To be not touched by it in some way would also be beyond weird.

So, today if you leapt out of bed and did your hour long peloton workout at 5:30 am .. gold star for you. If you called in sick to your boss (who happens to be you) because season 3 of Brooklyn nine-nine just sounds better.. gold star for you too!

The reality is, you can do all the right things to ‘feel better’, ‘do better’, ‘be better’, and still feel like crap. But perhaps tomorrow, tomorrow will feel a little less crappy.

Project Clumsy

Not a day goes by when I don’t discover some unknown bruise on my body. I may run into a thing or two, or be clambered on by thing 1 and 2 (the toddlers) &/or beast 1 and 2 (the bernards.)

I also have some unseen booboos. These wounds typically manifest in the wee hours of the night when it is quiet. Yes, believe it or not… there is quiet… and there is alone time with my own thoughts. Every mistake I have ever made, every misspoken word, embarrassing moment, perceived failure, broken relationship comes back and torments me and tries to rob me of peace.

Wouldn’t it be astounding if I could write here and now, in this moment… that I have figured out how to deal? Moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day… I sometimes am victorious in taking those thoughts and practicing grace and forgiveness for myself. Other times, not so much. There have been more of the latter lately.

During covid physical distancing and isolation, I have found that those thoughts have been coming back on repeat,.. day after day. And have been left me feeling raw, worn out, and alone.

There is hope though… because I believe in Truth. And that Truth, which I choose to dive into day after day comes to me in the form of spending time with the Healer Immanuel and immersing myself in music that washes over me with waves of peace so that today… today can be just a bit better than yesterday.

This song is one that I sing day after day. It is my truth.

p.s. I didn’t want to write this. It isn’t funny. It isn’t light. But it is honest and sometimes that is enough.

Project Pissenlit

My humour is very refined. When I saw that ‘dandelion’ translates to ‘pissenlit’ in French, I giggled. I now only call dandelions ‘pissenlit’ because I am sophisticated like that. (See definition below)

I recently began limiting my caffeine intake to one coffee per day. To help curb that craving for a little pick me up in the afternoon I discovered that dandelion tea is a comparable substitute.

False. This is fake news. No matter how closely it resembles, dandelion tea is not coffee.

No matter how closely we make our new normal resemble our former life pre-covid; we all long for our normal normal.

Yes, we have become bakers, chefs, teachers, writers, poets, bloggers, and more. We are resilient. But let’s call a spade a spade. This. Sucketh.

(The web told me: “In French, dandelion is pissenlit, a noun composed of a conjugated form of the verb pisser, to piss, the preposition en, meaning in, and the noun lit, bed, because this plant was formerly well known for its diuretic properties.” )

Project Lustre

Breaking news! My sparkles are showing! Did you hear that hair colour has become the new toilet paper??!

An alien must have burst out of my face this morning because the mere application of lipstick seemed to solicit strange stares from the fam jam.

There has to be a happy compromise between incessantly grooming ourselves and changing from day pyjamas to night pyjamas.

This is a unique moment in our history. Yes, it is scary. Yes, it can feel stressful. Yes, it can feel overwhelming. We can feel ill prepared. But, each day we have an opportunity to be just a bit better than the last. Be kind to yourself. Extend grace to others and take one itty bitty baby step forward.

When all this covid is in the rearview, I suspect we are all going to look very different. I for one will be a little bit more sparkly and a lot more grateful.

Project Cozy cozy

Little R has taken to grabbing shirts, jackets, underwear, blankets and pillows in order to tuck himself into a cute little nest.

There is something to be said about being comfortable. We are NOT in comfortable times right now in the world . Many of us have found ourselves binge shopping, binge watching or binge eating in order to cope with a pandemic . I think it is times like these that show us what we are made of. Apparently a lot of us are made out of toilet paper??!

It would be very easy to just stay in my ugly sweats or pjs and melt into a puddle of complacency or fear. Perhaps we get a little bit too ‘cozy cozy’ when the world becomes simultaneously too big and too small as the world hyper focuses on the latest news on the covid19 virus.

As someone who has a predisposition towards depression; complacency and or fear are not winning scenarios. So, in the face of crisis, (for all of us) one thing I personally can do is show up. And not just show up, but show up a little bit better than I did yesterday. I have to see beyond myself and really reach in with my family, up to my Heavenly Father and out to those who don’t have the same supports and blessings I do.

We are all learning as we go. Today, I am choosing to up level my existence by writing this. Maybe one person will be blessed to know that I am struggling too?

Project “that’s famous!”

Baby R has a new learning app that rewards him for his good work with ‘that’s famous!’ He hasn’t regurgitated that expression yet but he does applaud himself for his sneezes with a ‘good one.’ We teach him amazing stuff.

What a world we would live in if we spent more time giving ourselves (and others) a little credit. A little “I am doing this thing in this moment in time to the best of my abilities and It. Is. Good.” Or in baby R’s case… good sneeze.

As someone who primarily utilizes self-deprecating humour as a defence/coping mechanism, I find this hard. And if I view myself this way… does that not taint how I view others?

So, I’ve been practicing grace. For my purposes I am going to oversimplify the definition as ‘unmerited kindness.’ My friends! Can we just be a little bit more kind?!? Please??! Kind in such a way that doesn’t even make sense, that is bigger than us, and more loving than we can even imagine.

This message is brought to you by: 6 mos of not sleeping through the night, adding a newborn to our baby posse, going out in public with puke in my hair or on my shirt, wearing clothes inside out or backwards, and the letter ‘f’.